not dead. just wrestling…
…with the summer, with my promises, and with myself. i am writing, just not as much or as quickly as i would like.
i realized yesterday that i’m approaching a year of the experiment of the new me. i am healthier, stronger, happier, and more productive than i’ve been since my oldest son was born, but those are the symptoms. the one thing that i’ve actually gained over the last year is a comfort with the idea of dissatisfaction. My days now are marked with this nagging feeling that something isn’t altogether copacetic. Whether it’s that i haven’t written, or that i’m still not my ideal weight, or that i’m not happy with how i perform my job, or whatever, i feel like i’m constantly finding things that need improvement. That was probably always the case, but the difference now is that i’m not as afraid to address those things and figure out what to do about them: grab a notebook, look up a new diet, try a standing desk, etc. i’m a little afraid that this dissatisfaction will lead to some Mr. Toad complex where i’m constantly jumping from one new thing to another, trying to fix things that don’t need it, but at the moment there is plenty that is still broken.
Today has been something of a train wreck, full of disappointment and difficulty. Some of it i’m trying to heal as the days goes on, the rest i’ve set aside and decided to have a better day tomorrow. Here’s to hoping that it works.